No, Calm is Not the Only Goal of Yoga

For the longest time, whenever anyone found out that I practiced yoga, their behavior around me would change. People seemed to assume I was the calmest person in the world. Suddenly they would say things like, “You’re so patient,” even though I am decidedly not. (Just ask my husband.) They also seemed to think I existed in a perpetually relaxed state and that I failed to recognize the gamut of human emotions. Someone once apologized for cursing in front of me.

There was this unspoken expectation that I would always respond calmly to life, even when the situation called for anything but. That expectation was only strengthened when I started teaching yoga. Everyone was more than a little surprised when they eventually learned that I am, in fact, anything but constantly calm and peaceful.

I know I’m not the only one who experiences this. We’ve all seen the meme that quips everyone thinks yoga people are supposed to be calm when most of us are here because we’re a little unhinged—or maybe just human.

Yes, sometimes we come to yoga to relieve stress, tap into our inner peace, and be still. But many of us sometimes come to activate our strength, power, and fire. Most anyone who practices yoga knows that it serves more than one purpose.

Yet somewhere along the way, the marketing message around yoga swung more toward “a good yogi” being someone who is calm, patient, compassionate, and unbothered. Among the contributors to calm seemingly being the goal of yoga was the proliferation of various styles beyond the physical and disciplined focus of lineages taught by B.K.S. Iyengar and Pattabhi Jois. Also, as professor Jon Kabat-Zinn’s popular mindfulness-based stress reduction technique was becoming more popular, some cognitive behavioral therapists adopted select yoga tools, including breathwork and somatics (body-based awareness).

Sure, the physical practice component of yoga was traditionally intended to prepare the body for meditation, so in that sense, stillness could be interpreted as calm. But in reality, yoga is also about recognizing whatever emotional state we are in—sometimes that might look calm, sometimes it’s frustration, sometimes it’s blinding rage—and learning how to respond to it appropriately.

Being uncharacteristically calm as a result of practicing yoga is a nice idea. But it’s not only unrealistic, it’s also sorta dangerous.

The Truth About “Negative” Emotions

In contemporary American society, the messaging is consistent from an early age: anger and irritation are bad. It’s reinforced by our parents, our teachers and professors, and our workplaces. So it’s not surprising that irritation and anger get labeled as something to avoid and, therefore, “un-yogic.”

However, from a nervous system perspective, irritation is activation. The body has mobilized itself because something feels wrong or out of alignment. Irritation can point to a boundary being crossed. Sometimes it comes from witnessing injustice. Sometimes it’s because we see things that are unethical or simply wrong. And sometimes it’s simply a result of being hangry, feeling overwhelmed, or needing sleep.

Not every flash of irritation is profound. But when calm becomes the only goal, we lose the message our emotions are trying to send. Acknowledging and accepting our anger or irritation is one of the clearest ways we learn that we care about something. Yet we often get labeled as “petty” even when we appropriately express these emotions. We sometimes even judge ourselves for thoughts that are decidedly not calm or compassionate yet are true to our experience.

If we are truly practicing yoga, the focus isn’t just stress relief. It’s recognizing the state we’re in and responding to it skillfully.

Before I understood this and I was trying to be in my “yoga teacher” persona of constant peacefulness and calm, I handled everything and everyone by trying to rise above the situation and be as kind as possible. So when a coworker was incredibly rude toward me in front of my students, I used all my yoga skills and respectfully asked her not to do it again.

I left the conversation feeling like I had handled it as a yogi should and that things would change. They didn’t. A few days later, she did it again.

Sitting in therapy not long after that, I explained that I had been using my breathwork, my emotional regulation skills, and all my tools to remain calm and respond well. My therapist looked at me and said, “Well, you should be angry.”

I was floored. Wait. What? I should be angry?

She explained that I had options. I could be angry. I could speak up. I could yell. I could decide not to be around the person anymore. No matter what, I always had a choice. It was a completely new and revelatory way of looking at the situation.

So when it happened again (shocking, I know), I responded with firmness and a boundary. Her behavior became more respectful and we ended up having a much better working relationship. Which made me stop and think. Had allowing myself to become angry actually helped me? Did showing my irritation help?

What my therapist understood, and what my yoga practice had been pointing to all along, is that being human means experiencing a full range of emotions. The work isn’t to eliminate them. It’s to respond to them with awareness.

Sometimes the skillful response is speaking up. Sometimes it’s setting a boundary. Sometimes it’s stepping away and regulating your nervous system before saying anything at all. And sometimes the most intelligent response is realizing the situation simply doesn’t require your energy.

This isn’t just about anger. The same is true for frustration, impatience, and other states we’ve been taught to push away. The awareness it takes to understand that? This is why we practice yoga.

When we remove the goal of calm, we can start to understand what these supposedly “negative” feelings really are. Sometimes they are simply the body and the internal knowing saying, “I don’t like this.” Irritation isn’t the problem. Calm isn’t the goal. Being present and responding to our needs is.Yoga isn’t about changing the feeling, it’s about changing our relationship to it.