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I make my living teaching people how to breathe. Each year, I talk to hundreds of individuals—teachers, lawyers, entrepreneurs, doctors, yoga students—about how their nervous system works. Students learn how somatic healing can support connection, community, and compassion, and how powerful breathwork is. But folks are often surprised when I also tell them, “Hey, this might not work for you.”
When I started practicing yoga and somatics in 2006, I thought it would be the end-all solution for my suffering. Didn’t all the gurus promise nirvana if you just dove deep enough? I really believed that at some point, I’d reach a state where everything would be great. I’d be calm and collected all the time, and my past trauma would just dissolve. Spoiler: that’s bullshit.
Yes, mindfulness works. Breathing is important. Yoga has the potential to heal. But, sometimes you don’t need to be calm. Calm and centered isn’t always the goal. What I teach isn’t about staying peaceful no matter what—it’s about having appropriate reactions to real situations. And sometimes the appropriate reaction is to be raging mad, devastatingly sad, or deeply frustrated.
People always ask, “But when is it okay to be raging mad? Aren’t yoga teachers supposed to be zen?” I answer: Why are we so obsessed with being serene all the time? That’s the opposite of what mindfulness teaches, and certainly not reality. Mindfulness is about awareness—not stifling feelings or forcing toxic positivity.
The human experience is messy. It includes sadness, rage, disappointment, and frustration. What would life be like if you just let that all sit for a bit—no breathing, no yoga poses, no searching for the silver lining—just accepting that sometimes things suck?
Recently, a client came to me after losing their job. They’d been doing breathwork for days, trying to “stay positive” and “find the lesson.” When I asked how they were feeling, they said, “I should be grateful for this opportunity to grow.” I stopped them right there. “Or,” I said, “you could just be pissed you got laid off during a recession and your boss was a dick about it.” The relief on their face was immediate. Finally, someone gave them permission to feel what they were actually feeling.
Here’s the thing: sometimes your system is deregulated and you’re in a bad mood because life is hard. No amount of deep breathing is going to magically change that. But also, it’s a start. Mindfulness is not a pill, it’s a process.
